


Please Don't Thank Me For My Service (I Just Need Some Sincere Love)

by Illusions_and_reality



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Becoming Humans, F/F, Gene is there, Goondis is great, I Don't Even Know, I love her, I'm so sorry, M/M, Maizey Can Marry Me tbh, Mike is a disaster, Please Don't Hate Me, The Author Regrets Everything, The Hotdaga (Buzzfeed Unsolved), and nothing, but I love him, the author is sorry, they become humans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-03 15:42:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15821940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illusions_and_reality/pseuds/Illusions_and_reality
Summary: Mike just wanted a break.Was that too much to ask?Almost drown in a lava lake, almost die on the planet of the Plupples, almost die on 0-nion and now this?A Sexuality crisis and the only person he can share with who'd understand is Maizey and the fact that seemingly everyone has turned into humans overnight does not take any weights off of Mikes' shoulders.(I'm so sorry, please don't hate me)





	1. Arms, Legs And Love. Please Don't Hate Me For What I've Done.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I'm sad and lonely and genuinely like the hotdaga, please don't kill me.  
> Feel free to yell at me for this in the comments, I'm so past giving a shit as you can probably tell.  
> I need some more chicken soup in my life, guys.

Mike woke up with a groan, stretching out his arms and legs and squinting at the light grey walls of Minestrone.

Wait.

_ Arms and legs? _

What the f-

 

“Mike!” Maizey yelled and burst through the door to his room, “We look like those goddamn advanced apes from so many years ago!”.

 

She was covered in a blanket, green hair spilling around her shoulders (is that what they’re called?) and her face was flushed an angry shade of pink.

 

“You mean the ones that existed before a mini-apocalypse that caused their whole race to fuse together with food?” He asked and sat up, checking out his new appendages.

 

She paused, looking at him with a confused expression, “Yes, we’ll remember it always. It helped for an entirely new race of beings to rule the earth.”.

 

Mike looked around and rubbed at his face with those pickup things (he’d really have to search up the proper terms later), feeling something rough near the bottom and sides.

 

He got up and walked over to Maizey, putting a pickup thing on her face, much to her dismay.

“What the hell are you doing?” She asked stepping away from him.

“Why’s my face scratchy but not yours?”.

“You are  _ not _ asking the right questions right now, Soup. What happened to us?” Maizey hissed and pushed past him, beginning to pace the room, listing off all of the possible things that it could be, “-It can’t be a witch because Pam disappeared and was ultimately good the last time we saw her so-.”.

Mike cut her off, “Or it could have just happened.” he said gently, taking hold of her shoulders (or was the term elbows?) and making her stand still. 

 

She scowled at him, a strand of grass green hair falling in her face. Mike pushed it away and gave her a…a, um- wrapped his arms around her body, pulling her in close.

 

Maizey sighed and accepted it, resting her head on his shoulder, “Mike?”.

“Yes? What’s the matter?”

“Are you naked right now?”

“ _ That’s  _ what it’s called! Yes, I am.”.

  
  


After searching through all of Minestrone, Mike found some human clothes that had been on there since the day he had gotten the ship. 

He passed some clothes to Maizey and Gene because he knew where they were when they walked around the ship, but he paced outside of Goondis’ door.

 

Mike was about to knock when someone came up behind him, he spun on his heel, chest to chest with Ernesto.

 

“Oh, Ernie, um, good morning,” Mike said, eyes roaming the other man's face. God, he was pretty, with dark brown eyes and hair falling slightly in front of his face.

“Good morning to you too. How are you doing, what with the new appendages and all?” Goondis asked, voice soft as he spoke. 

 

Mike stared up at Ernesto, closing his mouth and forcing himself to look at the taller man's chest, “I, um. Fuck. I don’t know, but here are some human clothes that I found.”. He shoved the clothing into Ernie’s arms, turning away quickly and closing his eyes tight.

 

He practically had a wife, the starship was his everything. 

 

But you couldn’t marry your ship.

And you could marry your best- no. That would ruin the already delicate balance that they had formed some months ago when Ernesto had broken out of his hypnotized shell and gotten into this whole mess.

 

Fuck, this whole mission was an absolute nightmare.

  
  
  


Mike spent the rest of the day avoiding Goondis, not wanting to talk to him again after their brief encounter in front of the man's’ room. 

 

“What's the deal with you and Doctor Goondis?” Gene had asked once, only to be ignored until he said something else.

 

No one else asked.

Good.

  
  


Mike had never loved Minestrone’s walls. They were always too bright, too bare, too cold to the touch.

Yet he touched them anyway. Running the palms of his hands over the cold metal she was made of, pushing himself close and just feeling the cold.

 

Mike didn't even know he had alcohol on the ship anymore, but he poured himself a shot.

 

He needed someone warm in his life again.

Someone big and strong and happy.

Someone who understood what he went through during the war.

Someone who could hold him and love him and kiss him and never let him go.

 

Shot after shot after shot.

 

Mike fell asleep drunk in someone else's room that night.

If only he knew who's.

  
  


Mike woke up groaning, eyes firmly shut as a headache pounded in the front of his skull.

There was another weight making a second dip in the bed and an arm slung over his waist.

 

While Mike waited for the other person to wake up, to kick him out, to yell at him for getting so drunk last night, he turned over.

 

Oh shit

Leave it to drunk Mike to think that this person was a good one to go to.

 

He slowly got up and got out of the bed, careful to not bother the other person as he did so.

Before Mike left the room he looked over at the person for a while to make sure they hadn’t woken up from all the moving.

They didn’t and Mike left the room, closing the door behind him.


	2. I'll Help You Down, Don't Worry, I'm Here For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little filler chapter with some plot elements? Does that make it a real chapter? I need to google these, but for now, enjoy this small update!

_ How many screams rang through the air as the bomb exploded in front of the chilli pope?  _

_ How many screams rang through his head the next night when he tried to go to sleep? _

_ How many screams could he hear in any situation now without wanting to break down? _

_ How many lives were wasted the first time the chilli pope was murdered? _

 

Mike shook as he opened his eyes, dragging his hands down his face trying to make sense of the new skin that he got roughly thirty-seven hours earlier.

 

New skin

New face.

New teeth.

 

Same fucking feelings. 

 

Mike stood up, pushing against the bed he slept on so regularly now and hoping that the other man wasn’t awake yet as he opened the door and stepped, barefoot, on the holed, metal floors of Minestrone.

 

Everything everything was  _okay_ now .

It was supposed to be okay.

He was supposed to be in a house on earth with his wife and kids and not worried about the fate of the entire universe.

Ernesto was supposed to be dead. Maizey not supposed to exist. Gene was supposed to be back in the future helping out some weird scientist chick who was always on the verge of a mental breakdown. 

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Everything was supposed to be okay again.

 

Mike found himself pacing around the hall to Minestrones control room, he grabbed a bar above his head, forcing himself to stop.

His body fell forward, arms springing Mike back at the last second and he winced at the pull, not used to all the muscle.

Mike repeated the motions, swinging back and forth, feet planted firmly on the ground so he wouldn’t end up falling over. The repeated exercise felt good. Oddly grounding in a way as the effort distracted him from all the thoughts that would normally race through his head.

 

By God, there was a hell of a lot. 

 

He did this until it began to hurt his arms, the pain coursing through him like sudden motivation 

 

Mike stopped the movement when he heard quiet footsteps approaching him, a little more than nervous as he squeezed his eyes shut. 

 

Oh God, oh God. Not again. He didn’t want to see them again.

Their voices, their faces, the feel of their skin as they pushed him to his knees and put a bag over his head as he heard the screams and protests of his crewmates.

 

“It's just me,” A calming voice washed over him, a lot more familiar than its usual loud, “Mike, you can open your eyes and turn around. You aren't there anymore. It's okay.”.

 

In the corner of his eye, Mike saw the slightly larger silhouette of Ernesto travel over and in front of him. Careful not to move too fast.

 

It was easy to forget that Goondis had seen him like this before, hands above his head and head dropped down, shoulders tense with worry and fear.

Too easy to forget. But there wasn't much they could do about it.

 

Ernie’s voice was grounding, Mike focused in on it when the man spoke again, “Can you see my hands, Mike? Grab one of them with one of your own, you can do it.”. 

 

Mike’s hand was slow as it came down, shaking a little as it hovered over Ernesto’s bigger ones.

 

And it fell onto them.

 

A lot more dramatic than most people would have thought it was but this was a big thing. It certainly wasn't the first time the two men had done something like this. Helped the other down from the edge. But each time was difficult to experience.

 

Mike hooked his pinky over Ernie’s wrist, the rest of his fingers finding their way around the back of his hand and holding on for dear life. 

 

It wasn't tight. But there was a whole lot of trust in the gesture.

 

And Ernie understood.

 

That was enough for him.

 

Eventually, the second arm came down and took a fist of material on the arm of Goondis’ jacket, and Mike was a little shocked at how easily and how  _ quickly _ he had been able to come down.

 

Just how much he trusted Ernesto after all those long years.

 

They stood there for a while, swaying on their feet as Mike calmed down completely, getting closer to each other just in case. 

Just in case the other needed it.

 

And that was okay with Mike

  
  


From behind a wall in Minestrone, a figure hid, watching the scene unfold.

 

Maizey Cornstalk stood frozen to the spot where she had seen Mike and Dr Goondis do something intimate together for the very first time.

 

The thing was obviously practised, as most things usually are, but there was a certain amount of the way Goondis had talked that struck her.

 

That had hit close to home.

 

It was how she had talked to Gebra late at night as they fell asleep together.

 

It was how Geb had talked to Maizey when calming her down after something had scared her. 

 

It was so warm and loving in tone that it was a surprise the two men weren't lovers. 

 

Dancing around each other, careful where and how they stepped.

 

Maizey shook herself and walked past them into the control room, acting like she hadn't seen the whole thing unfold.

 

Mike’s and Goondis’ gazes never left each other.

  
  


Mike heard a beep from Minestrone late at night,

“Captain, there's someone outside in the control room.”.

 

He furrowed his eyebrows, opening his eyes.

“Who?” He asked and began to walk out the door, ignoring her answer as he went to figure it out himself.

 

The halls seemed longer than they had in the morning, colder almost.

 

Maybe it was because the lights had turned off.

 

Maybe it was because of the whimpers and ragged breathing he heard coming from the control room.

 

Mike began to jog over the holed floor, trying to get to the person who was in the closed room.

 

He fiddled with the knob, trying to open the door to no avail.

Mike panicked as he jiggled the handle, pulling it hard to try and get it to open.

 

_ Someone was hurt. Someone was going to die. Someone was going to suffer because he wasn't smart enough, quick enough, brave enough. _

 

_ He wasn't a hero. _

 

_ But he was a good man if he tried. _

 

Mike tried to calm his nerves and he knocked on the door, slowly. 

 

It wasn't Maizey, it wasn't Gene. 

 

It was Ernesto and he needed help, just like Mike had a few days ago.

 

“Ernie, I need you to focus on my voice. Its Mike Soup, do you remember?”.

 

There was the sound of someone moving closer behind the door and then the faint noise of a hand being pressed against the metal.

 

And a quiet yes that travelled through the door.

 

“Focus on my voice, Ernie. You’ll be okay, I promise.”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to whoever is reading this, it's really just a crappy story that has no real direction right now and I'm just going where it makes sense if that makes sense? Anyway, yeah, thank you for reading and if you want to yell at me for writing this in the comments, I understand.


	3. Keep The Bad Thoughts Down, Even Though I Love Your Frown -Fuckface

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike helps Ernie calm down a little. Ernie leaves Mike a note. Mike remembers some things from the past.
> 
> I'm so upset at Gene's death djklsfkd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is shorter than my last few chapters, but I needed to get some things down.
> 
> Also, I was trying to make this as close to the cannon universe as possible but that's not happening now.

Mike spent the rest of the night sitting against the door, talking to Ernie through it, calming him down as much as he could before everything got too out of hand.

 

He fell asleep at around four in the morning (at least- Mike thinks it was)  after Ernesto came out, sniffling and shaking, never not being pretty to Mike. 

 

Maizey saw them sleeping together out in the hall, at one in the afternoon according to her hundred-year-old watch she was given with her human coat and she didn’t dare wake them up.

 

Life had been too overwhelming, too ridden with death and panic and destruction lately that it was amazing they could sleep.

 

_ “Do you remember when we first met?” Mike had asked after Ernie came out, eyes wandering over the other man's face. _

 

_ Goondis had nodded, chewing on his lip to try and focus on one thing, remember something nice before they passed out. _

 

_ His face was still red from the heat and embarrassment of crying, stray tears still falling down his face, old ones dry and forming translucent lines that would go away soon. Ernie's breath was still stuttery, a headache slowly trying to creep its way in. _

 

_ “Yeah, you were,” He smiled and leaned up against Mike, trying to push the line a little, “You were arguing with someone- I think it was Josh -and you hit me in the face with your hat.”. _

 

_ The two men chatted for a while, becoming sleepier with each passing second. Ernie’s head in Mike’s lap and Mike’s leaning against a wall he had found so cold earlier, almost freezing to the touch. It felt warm now. _

 

_ They slept like that for the rest of the night and way into the morning. _

 

Or, whatever time it really was. Not being on earth really threw you off when it came to time. There wasn’t an atmosphere, there wasn’t a rotation around the sun. 

 

There was just cold and dark.

 

And, to Mike, things were less cold and dark when Ernesto was around.

  
  
  


There’s so much fear when Mike wakes up again on the floor because of course -  _ of course  _ \- homophobia is still a thing and  _ sure _ it’s a lot less common now than it was back in 2018, in 2708 even, but that doesn’t stop Mike from worrying. 

 

And it’s been three hundred years since then.

 

He slowly nudged Ernie off of his lap and replaced it with his oversized coat. Sure, Mike would be a little cold, but Goondis was more important than that.

  
  
  


Mike’s coat was on his bed when he went back to his room to grab something a few days later. A little gesture, sure, but Mike was just glad it was back. All folded up neatly on his bed with a note.

 

Oh.

 

There’s a note.

 

Mike stumbled a little when he went to go read it, excited for this because  _ when was the last time he had gotten a note _ ? Five, maybe six years ago?

His heart sinks a little, his last fight with Ernie had been six years ago.

 

Mike shook himself, shoulders to toes, trying to get rid of the nasty feeling that had spread throughout his body. It wasn’t like he had  _ wanted _ to kill those civilians, he had simply missed by a few feet and his world crashed around him when he saw what he had done. It wasn’t subtle, it was a bomb that had exploded and hurt and killed innocent people. 

Ernie and he had yelled for hours, and then the egg had told Minestrone to drop him off at the nearest planet. Mike stared after him as the ship flew away, and Ernie hadn’t looked back.

 

Mike shook his head one final time, shrugging on the too big coat and smiling when he realized that it smelled like Goondis. Then he read the note:

 

_ Hey, thanks for the pillow and the  _

_ whole calming me down thing _

_ I really can’t thank you enough, Soup. _

_ See you soon? I think we have a _

_ shift in the controls together. _

_ -Fuckface  _

 

Mike smiled at the note, shoving it in his pocket. It had been a long while since he had seen that writing and an even longer time since Ernie had signed one of the notes as “Fuckface”.

 

Mike smiled all night too, down in the control room with Ernesto by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> R.I.P. Gene, the most well written, critically acclaimed character of all time. I was almost convinced you were written by Shakespeare you were so rich and compelling, but Shakespeare wrote some pretty bad characters so that wouldn't be true, ever. I hope that Maizey also saves you and Mike and Goondis because she's going back through the Graxylon quadrant right now to save her wife, so I hope she saves you as well. Your last song made me cry and the "I think I see Smeech" line was uncalled for. I love you, I miss you. You were by far the best french fries to ever live and rule the music industry. I hope you say hello to Gebra if you can find her. Tell Smeech he has sex too much, although, he's probably gonna have as much sex as he can in the afterlife. You were one of the greats.  
> I'll see you soon...
> 
> Y'all I'm genuinely upset by this. I cried for, like, an hour and now my parents are worried about what I find entertaining.

**Author's Note:**

> So, you made it to the end without shooting anything.  
> I applaud you. If I was someone else a person would be dead on my floor right now (probably me).  
> That being said, this will have multiple chapters if you want to stick around for it.


End file.
